Fictional Excerpts from Government Documents #2Posted: May 13, 2011
The following is NOT an excerpt from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration’s report on “State-of-the-Art Dummy Selection” (1984):
“The first rule of thumb is to find a dummy that isn’t evil or likely to become evil. This phenomenon has been documented by government officials numerous times, with Willie and Talky Tina being worst-case scenarios from the 1960s. How do you know if the dummy you’ve selected has a proclivity for malevolent behavior? First, be wary of unlicensed suppliers. If a mysterious person in a foggy street sold you the dummy, then cackled when you walked away, that’s a red flag. Second, if the dummy talks to you in a snide, menacing voice (often accompanied by grinning or winking), you may want to reconsider working with the dummy on a long-term basis, especially if the voice sounds even remotely like an angry Brad Dourif. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recommends using only non-evil Grade A or B dummies for crash tests. Grade C or D dummies are not recommended, even if you kind of like that dude’s impossibly deep voice.”
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