Fictional Excerpts from Government Documents #2

The following is NOT an excerpt from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration’s report on “State-of-the-Art Dummy Selection” (1984):

“The first rule of thumb is to find a dummy that isn’t evil or likely to become evil. This phenomenon has been documented by government officials numerous times, with Willie and Talky Tina being worst-case scenarios from the 1960s. How do you know if the dummy you’ve selected has a proclivity for malevolent behavior? First, be wary of unlicensed suppliers. If a mysterious person in a foggy street sold you the dummy, then cackled when you walked away, that’s a red flag. Second, if the dummy talks to you in a snide, menacing voice (often accompanied by grinning or winking), you may want to reconsider working with the dummy on a long-term basis, especially if the voice sounds even remotely like an angry Brad Dourif. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recommends using only non-evil Grade A or B dummies for crash tests. Grade C or D dummies are not recommended, even if you kind of like that dude’s impossibly deep voice.”

Want to read the real thing? This government document and thousands more are available from University Libraries.

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